一个客户来信：
I am interested in your xxxxxxx for approx. $320. I would be interested in purchasing one to see what it is like and try it on. However, if I decide it is not the dress for my wedding and I want to return it, I will not have used it at all, it will be returned with all the tags and in the same packaging. I would be returning it with the intention of receiving a full refund for the dress. Is this possible? I know that there is a partial refund but I would not have a need to keep the dress and would want a full refund. If this is possible then I would be interested in purchasing this dress in a size 10 in Ivory.
Caitlin
我们部门一个员工的回复：
Hi Caitlin,
Thank you for reaching out to us. We understood and accept what you said. Our solution is as follow: If you would need to return this wedding dress, sorry to tell you that you need to pay the Delivery fee all by yourself. And after we receive the wedding dress you returned, we would give you a full refund immediately. If this solution is ok, please let us know and just order it online.
Regards,
xxxxx
这段回复问题很多，第一句Thank you for reaching out to us.完全可以更简单，比如Thank you for reaching us.同样的意思，一定是选择更简单的表达方式，亲切有力。这算是一个原则。
第二句要表达对客户的理解，其实完全没有必要。类似的各种国内通行的客套话在面对老外时都可以省去。如果非要说，可以这样说：We totally understand your concerns / problem / situation / worries that / , but / , however ....
as follow不对，要么是as follows要么是as following
sorry to tell you that...chinglish, 这种话也不要说，让人感觉有什么坏事发生了一样。。all by yourself这种话也有点不近人情，显得是我们把这个责任推给了客户，应该说得委婉一点，暗示是客户自己应该做的事情，比如you would be responsible for any fees incurred by returning the item.
And after we ....这个And根本没必要，and but besides moreover what's more in addition....最自然的英语应该是尽量少用各种联接词的。想表达什么就直接表达就可以了。不要烦恼于语言本身的所谓“自然”。
If this solution is ok, please let us know and just order it online.这句也是完全没必要的。。。
最后改完的回复：
Hi Caitlin,
We totally understand your concerns and will do everything we can to make sure you have a pleasant shopping experience at XXXXX. In light of this, we do offer a full refund should you return the item in the same manner as we have delivered it to you - with all tags, brand new condition in full, original packaging, etc. However, you would be responsible for any fees incurred by returning the item. We will issue you a full refund as soon as we have received the item that is in its original condition by necessary regards.
Kindly let me know how this works out for you.
Regards,
xxxxxx
然后以下是我对她的建议的回复
ReplyDelete=============================
改得真的很好
you have our sincere gratitude for ...这个句型很漂亮，picking our dress不太对，可以说choosing us或者shopping at XXXX 或者 trusting us in the first place.
ensure somebody something - 这个用法简洁到位，比make sure好得多
at the request of yours, 这个说法很冗，而且不地道，欧美人不会这么说，他们会说at / by your request，或者干脆不说。
we do offer a refund换成we would like to offer a refund - 变被动为主动，更显我们的商业道德。但客户要求退款的理由很多，可以挽回的比率是比较高的，差不多有40%，如果我们说我们would like to退款，他们可能就不会犹豫了，既然我们也想退款，那就退吧，大家都happy，但其实我们并不happy。所以would like to offer a refund不是我们的意思。
is demanded by yourself这个表达意思是“你自找的”？有点chinglish，对方可能根本不明白是啥意思，。整句可改成The only thing you should notice is that any FEES incurred by returning the item would be your responsibility / will be covered by yourself.如果想委婉的说这个意思，还想转嫁这个责任，我暂时没想到。
if any questions不适当的简洁，可能让对方觉得你对他的态度不认真。